discouraged
there was a time when the people who I admired for any reason were at least a couple years older than me, and that was encouraging. I could look at their skill or maturity and see that I could aim to be like that when I got a couple years older, but I’ve come to a roadblock (in the photo thing) wherein I’ve realized that everyone whos work I admire is almost the same age as me. Why is it that I’ve missed the bus so easily. It’s not that I think I’m especially bad at what I do, I just know that it’s nothing really special on a grand scale. The kids taking pictures professionally are actually the same age as me now, they’re just flat out better at it. We’re not talking a little better either, we’re talking MASSIVLY more talented than I can dream to be. I’ve also seen that none of them are trained in any manner, and that I’ve yet to be impressed by ANYONE who has gone to college for photography. I really have my doubts about NESOP, which fucking sucks because I’ve already sunk $500 into it. As much as I worry about it, I also can’t stand the idea of not going to college. I know I’m better than that, and I hate seeing everyone sodisapointed in me for having gone nowhere. I hate seeing the majority of the kids I went to school with because they’re either beginning their sophomore years in college or they’re already failures. I’m starting to feel washed up and I was never even anything to begin with. I like telling people I’m going to photography school in the fall just because it’s an answer to give whenever I get hit with any of thosepersistent questions like “where do yo go?” or “so what are you doing these days?” I just want to be good enough at this photo shit to have it seem like less of a hobby to people. I feel so old lately and it’s not even true, it’s just that it seems like everyone is growing up around me and I’m not. The kids who were a year behind me are passing me now, and next year it’ll be the same. I regret not going to college every day. I could have been doing something, or at least deciding what to do. Everything I once prided myself in has faded over this last year. I used to be decent at writing, sharper at math, and generally more knowledgeable in history, science, and politics. I used to be funnier, and a lot better at meeting people and holding conversations. These days I’m disconnected, I’m nervous on the phone with anyone, and I avoid contact with people I don’t know. That last one isn’t a conscious act, It’s just something I’ve noticed lately. What’s happened to me? About the only positive thing I have is my relationship with Taylor. That’s been my triumph over this last year. I’ve never accomplished an actual relationship before this, and I’m proud of mine now. I’ve never found someone who hasn’t completely tired of me, until now. I have no idea what would have happened to my life if I hadn’t met her but I can confidently say it would be considered a proper shame to everyone who has ever had any belief in me.
This was much more than I intended to type. There was a time when I used to churn out mediocre blog posts, but at least those weren’t diatribes of self-loathing I statements.
How unfortunate. Well, I feel a little better. Not really. Eh.
zach, don’t text me about this tomorrow.
I just need a car. Being held up in this house is literally driving my insane.
